Failing to Fit In

As a young teen I always felt very different and alienated. I had friends, but to a certain extent I never felt like I could connect. I put it down to having friends that weren’t as academic as me. I made friends with the more bookish types, and I still felt an outsider. I then thought it was because I didn’t drink or smoke, so I tried that, and it was equally unsuccessful. I thought it was because I didn’t hang around with people from church backgrounds like me – I befriended some evangelical Christian types and felt more alien than ever.

I then put it down to having too many groups of friends – so many people who I knew, but so few of them that actually knew much about me. I tried to get closer to a few select people, and they hurt me.

I then came to realisation I was gay, and that must therefore be the reason for this distance between prospective friends and me. I made some gay friends, and they accepted me, and I was happy. I was however still at a distance due to circumstance. I think they pitied me too, and I didn’t want friends who pitied me. However, I must thank them, for they were a great help then.

Having tried almost everything, I finally gave up. I gave up hoping someone would think to invite out on a Saturday night. I gave up hoping to keep track of conversations about the complicated friendship webs. I gave up trying to fit in.

Eventually I’ve found myself fitting in with a group who don’t fit in. Not that we’re rejects, most of us are popular enough. However we’re more the group that came together because we were always arriving alone to parties. I’m close to this group, but I’m still quite a closed person. I’m a bit afraid of opening up.

I’ve yet to find someone terribly like me. I’m a fairly quirky character. There are few I can really be honest with, and there are few who I can talk and listen to well into the night.

I am different. But it’s got the stage where I don’t really care that much. I look at them and am glad I’m not another one off the conveyer belt of copycats.