A Beautiful Contradiction (if I do say so myself...)

My life is one of contrasts; everything is on one side of a sliding spectrum. I’m good and I’m bad. I’m a social butterfly and I’m lonely. I’m cool and I’m a geek. I’m gay and I’m straight.

I don’t really have a problem with being the contradiction I am. I like to be varied, but I hate to lie. Sometimes I do get upset when I run things too closely. After my first Pride I had to go away on holiday with my parents where I had to pretend to be straight when I was secretly bursting to show my new found pride.

Yesterday I spent the morning among close friends who know I’m gay. I was quite open, and it was, as always a pleasure to spend time with them. Being ‘let out’ is so important to me, sometimes I’m just screaming to spend some time when I don’t feel I’m pretending.

After this I went to a friend’s 18th birthday, held in her evangelical church. There was for a start no drink, no lesbians and while they did play some of The Village People, I just couldn’t get into it in that setting.

Maybe it just wasn’t my night. Or maybe it was too much of a low after my day. I hated every moment of it because I knew every person there would condemn me. Everyone there was narrow-minded. Everyone there could only connect with me on the most superficial of levels.

And no one there even guessed it.