The Consequences of Drinking

Aside from discovering the secret cure to hangovers is Smirnoff Ice, I have discovered something else this weekend. To be fair it really isn’t a groundbreaking revelation because I have suspected it before (but been unable to remember it). Yes, coming out after drinking is a danger to all young aspiring alcoholic lesbians.

This is, I believe the sole cause for gay bars. Gay bars not only allow gay people to meet other gay people, provide countless drag queens with employment and provide ex-X Factor contestants somewhere to gig in, but they also allow gay people to get plastered without coming out to their hetero-Christian friends. ‘Guess what guys – I’m gay’ doesn’t have the same effect when surrounded by lesbians, although I must admit, I’ve heard it many a time from drunken homos.

Chaucer’s Wife of Bath believes that a lecherous mouth begets a lecherous tail after wine. It also, from my experience, begets a loose tongue. Not only do my peers not need to see my tongue (which is, for the record abnormally long), but they also don’t need to know my secrets.

So – as a proper devil-worshipper-spawn-of-Satan-corrupting-disgusting-filthy lesbian, I got my Christian friend shamelessly drunk. Admittedly this wasn’t hard, but she at least remembers nothing. And if she does, well, there’s always blackmail. Or repentence, salvation and becoming a pretend born again Christian.

Note to self. If bottle is open, please remember to keep mouth shut.