Gordon Doesn't Like Us

Gordon Brown's budget for next year has been announced. He's pranced about with his red briefcase, spitting on his neighbour, who just won't leave. He always gets the bad jobs nowadays - and no one likes him that much anymore. But it's ok - because at least he can penalise the gays (albeit indirectly).

Disregarding the taxes on income, petrol and air travel, lesbians come off worse than gay men. We all know gay men smoke at the very least 2 packets of 20 cigarettes a week, drink at least 4 glasses of wine and 10 or more double measures of spirits. And that’s a pretty conservative estimate. However, according to the BBC’s trusty budget calculator, they will only be £24.18 worse off than this year.

Lesbians, on the other hand, smoking only 1 packet of 20 cigarettes, drinking 4 glasses of wine and 10 pints in their week will be £33.53 worse off than this year. Seeing as we also all come from the middle of nowhere (yes, I know we’ve all moved to the city, but where did we grow up? Yes, in a sexually repressed and homophobic country village), the road tax will penalise us – we have to go home to visit our parents. This road tax is only adding insult to injury – going home is bad enough thank you. Does Gordon not like us much? Does he sympathise with the gay men? And if so, does his wife know?

The next time a gay man offers to buy you a drink – take it. It’s going to be a frugal year.