Sorting It Out

Many thanks to those who have sent me advice and good wishes at this time. It is much appreciated, even if I know it all already, reassurance is a blessing none the less. I’m a bit strange right now, somewhere between happy (even ecstatic) at not having to lie anymore, and totally distraught. This is certainly not an ideal way to come out, and my parent’s reaction has been as bad as it could be.

The story is a relatively simple one. They found a letter I was writing to my girlfriend among my papers and notes. Maybe I was too lax leaving it lying around, maybe it was fate and I couldn’t have avoided them. But I’m not one to dwell on the maybes, it happened.

My parents are at rock bottom, and I’m not lying or pretending to help pick them up. I’ve had every possibility thrown at me, I was influenced, it’s a phase, it’s me being rebellious, I’ve been indoctrinated, I’m being immature, I don’t really know what it means, I’m imagining it, I just haven’t met the right man: if it’s a feasible answer to them, it’s been chucked at me.

I’ve had the hysterics, the suicide threats, the guilt, the denial, the blame, the hate.

More practically, this will affect me in a more dramatic way than simply causing a fuss at home for a while. My parents are entirely adamant that I will not get any money from them. I don’t know if they expect that that will make me change, I’ve been quite honest – if I have no money, I’ll still be gay. They think I’m not thinking ahead, but I am. I’m already looking for jobs, I’m already considering how to reduce my expenditure and ensure I get my degree, money or none.

They claim I am being unfair when I’ve told them that if they will cut off my finance, I will move out and continue my degree with whatever money I can. But I don’t think I’m being unfair: I have never had a choice in choosing my sexuality, I can not repress it, I have no choice in whether or not they support me.

Really, it’s up to them.