One Big Contradiction

I have come to a conclusion that I am one great big contradiction. I am very sure in my views, yet sometimes my actions mightn’t suggest that. I’m always in the grey areas – so unsure yet so determined.

I could describe in details the aspects of my life that are contradictory, but they would involve explanation, which is unnecessary. If I’m such a contradiction in so many things – how can I be so much and still be me?

Happy/Sad. Gay/Pretending to be Straight, Politicized/Feckless, Stressed/Relaxed, Opinionated/Quiet, Pensive/Loud Mouth, Proud/ Scared, Smart/ Divvy.

There are a lot of things I could wish I wasn’t. There are a lot of things I could wish I were. But I’d rather just admit to myself the things I am. Some day I’m going to write them all down in blue ink. I could scribble out the things I’d rather not be, but that would be dishonest and untrue. For now I’ll be what I am at the moment. Me. Or at least some part of me.
Maybe it’s because I’m a Gemini, or maybe I’m just messed up inside. Maybe I’m too influenced by the outside, or maybe it’s because I’m too influenced by myself. I spend so much time looking for answers I forget the questions. I spend so long asking questions I never find the answers….