'The Big Green-Eyed Monster'

Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.

--Robert A. Heinlein

I’m jealous apparently. Oh yes, I’m jealous of my artificial peers and their handbag boyfriends. I’m jealous that one of my ‘friends’ has 10 guys on the go at once. I’m jealous that it’s been a whole 3 weeks since another friend started dating her perfect man.

Please excuse me while I snort with laughter. (This is obviously an example of me being bitter.)

Yes, 17 and totally single – the best of their knowledge. If they stopped looking in the mirror for 5 minutes and put their brains in gear they might also realise I’ve never actually had a boyfriend, or shown the least interest in the male species. I must admit it doesn’t exactly go in my favour. Makes me wonder why they haven’t guessed I’m gay already… Or maybe they consider me just to be too inferior and ugly to get a boyfriend anyway?

Luckily I’m too restrained to actually retort with, ‘I’m not jealous because your boyfriend is a pimply get, and my girlfriend is much, much prettier. I could be jealous of your 10 guys, but I reckon being known as easy isn't much fun.'

No – I must listen instead to them babbling incessantly.

‘Boy 1 said the CUTEST thing…’
‘That’s like the time boy 2 told me …’
‘Oh that’s just SOOOOO adorable!’
‘I know, and I mean, like, it’s been a WHOLE 4 weeks since Boy 3 and I started going out.’

I guess they just must mistake me for someone who really cares for their banal details. Or worse – the mistake me for someone jealous of their banal lives. Sure they are easier, but convention can be so bland.

Sorry if I don’t get excited by what position your boyfriend plays in rugby. Sorry if I don’t really give a damn what colour his new highlights are. Apologies if I seem disinterested in his life achievements/family/pet.