Love and War

Unrequited love seems to be something experienced in particular by lesbians. If it isn’t the cute female teacher with the sparkly eyes for whom only you seemed to hold a fascination for, it’s the best friend who was cruelly straight and uninterested.

For me at least, there was the initial confusion over feelings. But that wasn’t too very difficult because it just didn’t occur to me that I was actually gay. This was of course helped by countless girly magazines that assured me that it was totally normal to have ‘feelings’ for other women, and told me in no uncertain terms that I wasn’t gay. There is also the constant worry that someone else will notice that you are mildly obsessed with a woman. Not knowing yourself is bad enough, but the worry that everyone else may also know is almost unbearable.

Not that unrequited love is something purely associated with my past. I have no doubt that I may fall for someone equally unobtainable in the future, maybe even tomorrow. This is a risk, since about 9/10 of the people you may fancy are likely to be straight, and even if they are gay, they are unlikely to fancy you anyway.

If love is a battle, homosexual love can be a war. It hurts when the person doesn’t know. The silence is the hardest part, filled with daydreams and what ifs.

When the object of your affection carries on as if nothing has happened. All that happened was in your head, and there it will remain.