Coming Out of the Woodwork

I’ve mentioned before how much I hate the invention of profile sites. I should perhaps also meantion that I’m on them all - Bebo, Myspace, Facebook, HI5, Tagged, and some I don’t even remember registering for. I have a turbulent relationship with them; I object to people I don’t really like/remember spending hours pouring over my photographs and friends. However, I also do indulge in a touch of web stalking.

As much as I dislike grudgingly accepting as my ‘friend’ people from years ago who type all their sentences in capitals, I also do like making the occasional find. I mean people who I went to school with who are now big gays like me. I’ve found lots already. Some, who are obviously less subtle about their persuasion, messaged me on Gaydargirls. Others send me a message asking if I remember them, and a quick glance at their profile confirms my long held suspicions, and the same is obvious for them.

When glancing through the majority of profiles, I don’t really look out for much. But with certain people I’ll look out for a few things. Most obviously ‘In a relationship with…’, or ‘interested in…’. However an interest in, for example, woman’s rugby is usually a telling factor. Their friends, their photos (and where they’ve been taken) and whatever other information on their profile is part of my fact finding mission.

It’s led me to wonder a few things. Of all the people who I’ve since made contact with on these sites, not one of them has surprised me by coming out. We were all slightly ‘odd’ at school. We hung out with the alternative crowds, were either excessively nerdy, or excessively bad. We also all knew each other in some way, even from just nods in the corridor. I’m not saying I was terribly popular at school, but I knew lots of people from different years.

I obviously, although not intentionally, picked people up on gaydar years before any of us even really knew.

Clean Air Prevails

The smoking ban draws near. Indeed, there are less than 100 days till the much-discussed ban takes effect. On July 1st of this year we will be smoke-free. Smokers will hate me, but I’m secretly a little bit pleased.

From a purely selfish point of view, I don’t like having stinging eyes in a club because someone has wagged their fag in my direction. I dislike people coming to the bar in work and blowing their mouth full of smoke in my direction before demanding a VK. I don’t like waking up and smelling my clothes – which, ultimately need to be power cleaned to get rid of the stench of a habit that isn’t even my own.

Indeed, it’s a personal choice whether or not to smoke, and smokers are perfectly entitled to. However, I don’t, so don’t force me to. I like garlic, but I try not to breathe it on everyone. I like singing, but I don’t gulder at everyone all night long (unless, of course, you are at a concert in which I’m singing, in which case you will get what you paid for).

I’m not up on any high horse. I’m not bashing anyone’s right to puff. However, maybe I’d be more sympathetic if smokers weren’t so damn in your face.

You Big Pansy

Artist Paul Harfleet has come up with an interesting new way to draw attention to homophobia – if a little stereotypical. He plants pansies.

Originally his project was to plant pansies at all the places he had experienced homophobia, but more recently he planted one in London, at the spot which David Morley, bar man, was brutally killed by a gang. The Pansy Project is appearing as part of the London Lesbian and Gay Film Festival.

It’s maybe not the most useful thing to do to combat homophobia, but it certainly draws attention to the sad fact that all gay people have probably experienced homophobia at some time in their life. If we planted pansies in every place, we’d have one bloody big garden.On

Sunday April 1st Harfleet will be manning a stall of pansies placed alongside the bookstalls near to BFI Southbank (London). From 12-4pm he will be on hand to distribute the flowers and chat about The Pansy Project to interested passers by. I obviously can’t drop by, but anyone nearby should definitely check it out.

Pink Pounds… Lots of Them

62 million pink pounds to be exact. That’s the latest figure for spending on civil partnerships since their introduction in the UK. That’s rather a lot of matching pink tuxedos; tiered cakes with two women on top, and celebratory invite cards. We’re obviously a generous lot.

Of course, it could also be that we don’t have several children already by the time we decide it’s time to make the whole thing legit. It could also be because lots of older, established professional couples now have the opportunity to mark their relationships.

Next time I get an invitation to attend one of these ceremonies (not that many are forthcoming), I shall be considering my position carefully. The same research shows that ceremonies are costly for guests too, with guests spending an average of £700 on gifts, travel, hotels and food. That’s a hell of a lot of money for a wedding.

We’re obviously open-handed. That’s the stereotype of gay males anyway, but given my current financial situation, I’m slightly more miserly. I may just be sending my apologies, and a set of towels.

It does not strike me as coincidental that no homophobic government ever accuses us the LGBT community of not contributing to society financially….

Gordon Doesn't Like Us

Gordon Brown's budget for next year has been announced. He's pranced about with his red briefcase, spitting on his neighbour, who just won't leave. He always gets the bad jobs nowadays - and no one likes him that much anymore. But it's ok - because at least he can penalise the gays (albeit indirectly).

Disregarding the taxes on income, petrol and air travel, lesbians come off worse than gay men. We all know gay men smoke at the very least 2 packets of 20 cigarettes a week, drink at least 4 glasses of wine and 10 or more double measures of spirits. And that’s a pretty conservative estimate. However, according to the BBC’s trusty budget calculator, they will only be £24.18 worse off than this year.

Lesbians, on the other hand, smoking only 1 packet of 20 cigarettes, drinking 4 glasses of wine and 10 pints in their week will be £33.53 worse off than this year. Seeing as we also all come from the middle of nowhere (yes, I know we’ve all moved to the city, but where did we grow up? Yes, in a sexually repressed and homophobic country village), the road tax will penalise us – we have to go home to visit our parents. This road tax is only adding insult to injury – going home is bad enough thank you. Does Gordon not like us much? Does he sympathise with the gay men? And if so, does his wife know?

The next time a gay man offers to buy you a drink – take it. It’s going to be a frugal year.

On The Move

Oooer. These gays really are getting everywhere. Not only are we obviously taking over the music industry in order to corrupt innocent Christian types, but we are even taking over the public transport industry.

It’s a well known fact we have almost single-handedly kept a variety of taxi firms from going bankrupt by insisting that we are picked up from the very door of gay bars and clubs tucked away in the middle of nowhere, likely on a one way system that means it takes an extra 10 minutes to get home. But now ever buses are pro-gay…. Whatever next?

I suppose I shouldn’t really be that surprised, I once met a gay guy in a bar who was not only a gay bus driver, but also all 8 of his friends where too. I really wouldn’t have had Arriva down as a gay-friendly employer, but I guess it must be.

Possibly someone in their marketing department swings the gay way too, as several double Decker buses now have an embarrassingly large advert for none other than Stonewall. (I tried very hard to get a photograph, but the damn thing kept moving, and it out ran me.) Very commendable sentiments, no to discrimination at work. I do wonder if those poor little old ladies know what the bus taking them to church is actually promoting.

Next – a rainbow line on the London Underground called ‘The Soho Line’. C’mon Captain Ken Livingstone! It would be wonderful for the 2012 Olympics…

Beware Gay Music

One wouldn’t want to become corrupted by ‘gay’ music, apparently. But fear not, because now ‘Love God’s Way’ have a comprehensive list of bands you should avoid, lest you become corrupted.

I’ll admit that Scissor Sisters, KD Lang, Elton John and The Village People may have large gay fan bases. But, I can’t say I’ve seen many conversions solely due to their music. I may try playing them every time I see a hot girl...

Some of the bands on that list are admittedly the staples of gay clubs across the world. But some are just a bit odd, I mean – Jay-Z is gay music? Don’t tell him that. Frank Sinatra? Thousands of heterosexual couples will now have to rethink their first dance at a wedding.

The ‘Safe Bands’ are even more bewildering. I understand that P.O.D. are a Christian rock band, but I haven’t seen or heard of them since I was about 13. Cyndi Lauper’s music is both camp, and has rather obvious lesbian undertones (‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun’?) Blondie’s classic ‘When I Think About You I Touch Myself’ is hardly extolling Christian virtues, and was one of the songs I picked up at my first Pride. Blondie has even spoken to lesbian magazine, saying she enjoys lesbian sex as part of her 'pretty exotic lifestyle'

Evanescence, well, yes, I guess they are supposedly Christian. But Amy Lee is still hot. And, more importantly she lists her influences include Bjork – who appears on the ‘Gay Bands’ list!

I’m rather glad I’m not a parent faced with so many contradictory feelings when trying to protect my child from the demon heterosexual. But I’m even more glad I’m not their child.

Safe Sex For Dummies

I’m back, and still taking as mature an attitude towards safe sex as usual. I’ve just smeared one of the free packs of lube onto my flat mates door handle. I’m just nice like that, and I know it will gross her out.

Lesbians don’t appear to take a terribly serious attitude towards safe sex, if the attitudes of LGBTA members are anything to go by. The initial confusion as to why we gave them condoms was cleared up in two syllables ‘sex toys’, and was then laughed off. Unravelling, inflating and flicking of the condoms followed. The lube was then similarly violated, ending with the dental dams being licked for their ‘flavour’ and then generally derided as being a rather disgusting form of safer sex.

Gay men are constantly pushed condoms, check the bar and door of any gay club. Looking around I guess maybe the lesbians in most clubs are too ugly to pull, but they could at least massage their egos by providing some of the elusive ‘girls’ packs.

It’s true that girls are in a relatively low risk category in terms of STIs, I’m sure my mother would be thankful. But we still aren’t invincible. One wouldn’t want to catch something worse than the flu from a partner.