Blurring The Lines

I made a pact, with myself. I promised to merge my two lives, that is, my gay life and my ‘straight’ life.

However, like all the other promises I make myself at various times during the year (New Year, start of July, September), it tends to get old after a few weeks. It’s not that I’m incapable of sticking to something, it’s just that gym membership, and dieting and stopping biting your fingernails are all easier said than done.

But what if my life was not really two after all? I can’t really make myself act differently. I think ‘gay thoughts’ whether I’m in a gay bar or among school pupils. If I don’t lie – am I really living a lie?

It’s perhaps a little bit of a stretch to say I ‘don’t lie’ – if someone came right out and said ‘Are you gay?’ and I wasn’t in a situation I was comfortable with, I’d probably deny it. But my answers to such questions, which used to be point blank, are becoming blurred and non-committal – ‘Stop being daft’, ‘Million dollar question?’ and ‘What’s it to you anyway?’

I do still differentiate, but not so much between my ‘gay life’ and my ‘straight life’ – more between my ‘open life’ and my ‘closet life’. Even those are unfair titles. I’m an open person – if you asked the colour of my underwear I’d probably tell you. My closet life isn’t really that suffocating – it’s only my mind that can do that.

Seems odd to want to ‘blur’ your life some more in a world where we are always trying to focus on something. Only when you realise things are focused – you want to blur them all over again.