The Answer To All (Queer) America’s Problems

American’s dislike me. Not because I have a problem with their president or because I'm just an unlikeable person, they dislike me meddling in ‘their affairs’. American’s may complain bitterly about their country, but perhaps like me, they oppose anyone else who shares their view. Inside they are all pathetically patriotic.

Queer America is however in crisis. Across the board marriage is being ‘defined’, that is, one man and one woman. No matter what way you add up their new equation, same sex marriage just isn’t the result.

But, don’t worry. I have the solution.

All the Americans have to do is ensure that Miss New Jersey, Miss California, Miss Alabama, Miss Southern Maryland and every other Miss being entered into the Miss America Pageant is a lesbian. Of course there is the slight issue that most feminists reckon the pageant is degrading to women and promotes the idea of women as objects (which can be linked to women being inferior or subjects of their male counterparts). It’s also pretty cheesy, but for the sake of our rights, we can just overlook that.

So anyway, once we have out Misses in place, we train them. Our representatives won’t be twirling batons; they’ll be talking about lesbian music icons, the history of the pride flag, and even the history of that fabulous holiday destination, the island of Lesbos.

And when our pretty lesbians have to answer those daft philosophical questions, what they want for the world etcetera, our little Misses will reply ‘Equal rights for gay people, same-sex marriage and positive action to end the abuses suffered in countries such as Iran.’

Ok, so I admit it’s a bit flawed, their wish for ‘world peace’ hasn’t actually gotten that far. But it’s worth a try surely?